Who are you?
My mother is a lady who has travelled the world, met many cultures and practices, would be described as open-minded and is certainly not easy to shock. Her WhatsApp group however is for family and friends and is used for pleasantries and chats about holidays.
I am not a member of either group – believing in old fashioned communication such as email, text, Facetime and mobile calls.
And so it was dear reader, that I was not witness to the day when my husband erroneously used my mother’s friendly little WhatsApp group to message his acolytes with his rather X-rated views on the current comings and goings with current political controversies. Fortunately for him, his name was apparently given out as anonymous to some in my mother’s group. Further, on realising his mistake, he managed to quickly erase most of the offending text... not quickly enough however.
One of my sisters saw what had happened and, bloodhound that she is, sent him this profound and incisive message -
“Who are you?”
“That”, my husband deflected (anxious not to be found out as she is rather nifty at reprimands) “…is an existential question”
“Who…” he continued with aplomb “…is anyone?”
This is the first time to my knowledge that my husband has ever used his 40-year-old degree in Philosophy.
It also led me to thinking about who my clients are in legal terms. When you go to Court in family matters, the Court defines you in a totally different way to your normal role. In real life, we are called Mr, Miss, Ms and Mrs, accompanied with a couple of names at least, depending on how creative your parents when they came to identifying you. In Court you become someone else entirely. In Court you become a party.
I’m going to be brutally honest here. The way we refer to participants in court hearings –is well, rude. We don’t use your name, or any part of it. You will be referred to from start to finish as Applicant or Respondent. It is as though you have been rebranded and your sense of self removed. More importantly, you are no longer seen in your role as wife/father/mother/husband by your ex. Your identity is homogenised into the Court system.
There is much I can say about the de-humanising effect of the use of this terminology. Like many of my colleagues, I try to add to the terms more acceptable words like “Mother”, “Husband” etc. My small rebellion is not really going to shake the legal world upside down, but I am trying to do my bit. If you ever find yourself however, locked in a Court battle, you may not recall your ex in very complimentary ways. They may once have been kind and attentive – all the sorts of qualities that got you into the relationship. You may remember also, the things that led you out of the relationship and remember them to be loud/ tight-lipped/spendthrift/ mean or just plain and simple awful. That’s fine. They may be all of these things and more. Whatever their role in your life and the injustices you have suffered through them, just remember also that they are human. It is that which will see you through. That, a few nights out with some good friends, a stiff drink or two and a bit of gossiping on your WhatsApp page. Just don’t mention WhatsApp to my husband. He tried to appeal to his peers, only to lose control of his message, unsuccessfully tried to retrieve it and then tried to negotiate his way out on the backfoot. He has more in common with Theresa May than he would like to think.
